The Fitness Slug

 

“Physical fitness can neither be achieved by wishful thinking nor outright purchase.”  –Joseph Pilates

 

But, Mr. Pilates, wishful thinking and making outright purchases are so much easier!  Way easier than those agonizing kneeling sidekicks you developed!

In just 10 seconds of wishful thinking, I generated this list and didn’t even break a sweat:

• I wish I had Madonna’s arms
• I wish I had Dara Torres’ abs
• I wish I had the courage to try martial arts
• I wish I weren’t so damn awkward and unconfident in a gym

See how easy that was?

And regarding your “outright purchase” comment….it’s so fun to buy stuff!  Shopping for new fitness gear dupes me into feeling like I’m actually making progress!  Just check out what’s in my garage home:

• Rollerblades
• Bicycles
• Aerobic step platform
• Pilates Power Gym (your infomerical was really good!)
• Very dusty exercise ball
• Yoga Booty Ballet DVDs (the 1st half of the workout is great - someday I’ll watch the 2nd half…)

So what are you really saying, Mr. Pilates?!  That I should squish my Inner Slug, get off my butt, and consistently work hard to achieve those results that I claim I want?

Will do.  But first, I gotta run to Costco.  I heard the new South Beach Diet Super Charged Workout DVD just hit the shelves!

Tags: Costco, Pilates, South Beach Diet, Yoga Booty Ballet

It doesn’t matter which device you’re using - elliptical, treadmill, stairclimber, whatever.  They all have it.  And it is the enemy.

Don’t pretend otherwise:  You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Right there, on the LCD screen, the calorie tracker.

You’re likely thinking, “What!? How could that innocent little calorie tracker be the enemy?  It’s so useful!”

And that’s how it gets ya.

Sure, while you’re working out, it gives you warm fuzzy feelings of accomplishment.  Some days you might exclaim, “Wow!  I beat yesterday’s caloric output - woo-hoo!”  Granted, there’s nothing evil about that.

But….later on in the day, you’re feeling a little snacky.  As you head for the break room to grab the the yogurt & banana you brought to work, you pass a table of leftovers from a lunch meeting, complete with raisin oatmeal cookies.

“What could it hurt?” you think.  “After all, I burned off 300 calories on the elliptical today!”  And then  I  you devour the cookie.

Does anyone else fall prey to this evil device?  Or is it just me?

Tags: calorie tracker, evil, LCD

I must confess:  I had a case of gym envy.

A friend was gushing about how great her gym is.  The childcare center is wonderful,  she absolutely loves the ”Latin Impact” class, and the new Smoothie Bar rocks!

Latin Impact?

               [photo credit: FoxTV]

Childcare? Smoothie bar?

My gym doesn’t have any of those!

Oh yeah, that’s right…..I work out at the city’s recreation center.  It provides all the cardio & weight basics, is within walking distance of my home, and it cost me only $75 for the entire year.

She pays $40 a month.

Usually the logic-based argument of that cost savings would be enough to retract any jealousy I was feeling.  But I was too focused on my new-found love of smoothies [especially when someone else prepares them and I don't have to clean the blender!] and how wonderful a Banana Orange Dreamsicle Blend would be following a workout.

Then I remembered why I chose the rec center over her gym, which is hip and contemporary. 

First of all, I’m neither hip nor contemporary.  I’m not sure my membership application would have even been considered there. My typical workout attire reveals not a bit of belly or cleavage, and I think her gym requires displaying at least some of both at all times. At least, that’s what a quick scan of their cardio room reflects.

But honestly, my eternal un-hipness and my belly-boob modesty didn’t factor into my decision making process.

My Inner Slug did.  In fact, I let her make the decision for me.

“Don’t get tied into one of those annual contracts with monthly fees,” she said.  “When you fall off the exercise bandwagon again - and you will! - you’ll be paying for something you’re not using.  Remember last time?  You paid gym fees for months without ever going!”

“She’s right,” I thought, not realizing at the time that the best way to battle her insidious warning was to fully commit to fitness (or re-commit, as the case may be) by taking on the monthly fees and ensuring that I got full value out of them.  But that’s not what I did. ”I should check out the rec center instead,” I thought.

So here I am, smoothie-less and latin-dance-ignorant, sweating it up on the elliptical.

I look across the gym, past the boxing ring and ancient treadmills, trying to find something that this place has that the hip-contemporary gym does not.  After several minutes without success, I’m getting discouraged, and am tempted to give up. 

And then, in they walked.  Six of them.

Firefighters!

        [photo credit: Firefighter Nation]

OK, so they were a little dryer than the guy in this photo (I guess I could have splashed them with the contents of my water bottle in an attempt to create the scene above, but that would have been inappropriate, don’t you think? And besides, I had already drunk half the water - it wouldn’t have worked, anyway).

Turns out, the boys in the firehouse just down the street frequent this rec center because, as city employees, their memberships are free.  Seems I’m not the only budget-minded one around here.

So, my gym may not have smoothies or latin dancing classes, or a swimming pool.  Or childcare.  Or kickboxing instruction.  Or personal trainers.  Or tanning beds.  But we do have smiley, friendly, muscle-y firefighters. 

What do you like best about your gym?  What motivates you to show up?

Tags: firefighters, Latin dancing, smoothies

After too much time away from the gym, you’ve beat back your Inner Slug a bit and recommitted to ”living the healthy life.” 

Typically, this is how it goes:

Day 1: You’re enthusiastic, looking forward to getting some exercise.  It’s hard work - during which you get smelly & sweaty - but those endorphins are a good payoff, right? 

Day 2: Your body feels a bit stiff, which you equate to “feeling alive!”  You welcome the slight muscle aches, thinking “The stiffness is worth it - I’m being a healthy person!”  You have no problem turning down the donuts you’re offered by a colleague at work…you even feel a bit superior as you watch everyone else in the office chow down on the calorie-laden grease bombs.  Heading to the gym after work is a breeze.

Day 3: You wake up with an unyielding desire to stay in bed all day - if only you had enough mobility in your arms to actually pull the covers up over your head.  You’re hungry all day…the fruit and yogurt you had at breakfast was not satisfying!  A big, juicy double cheeseburger sounds really good for lunch.  The extreme soreness in every one of your muscles prompts you to think, “Maybe there’s something really wrong.  I should rest today, and return to the gym tomorrow.”

That third day is always a bitch. 

You’re vulnerable, and your Inner Slug proudly slithers back into the picture in an attempt to derail you.  But you must fight it!  If you don’t, there’s too much chance you won’t actually return to “living the healthy life” tomorrow, like you promised yourself.

And 3 to 4 days after that you’ll realize that you didn’t actually have a severe medical problem that justified skipping your workout, you just succumbed to your Inner Slug.  And then where will you be?  Discouraged and doubtful that “living the healthy life” is actually for you.

So here’s the secret….the deal that you make with yourself to prevent that always-lurking-potential-derailment.  Are you ready?

It’s semantics, really.  With a Zen-like flair.

You have to make your interpretation of  “I’m going to the gym” more literal.

Clear as mud?

OK, let’s try it this way:

You just have to show up.  And then you can leave.  That way, you can honestly state, “I went to the gym.”

That’s it.

That’s the deal you make with yourself:  Just show up.

Of course, 99% of the time, once you’ve “just shown up” you’ll likely feel silly not continuing on and doing some kind of minimal workout.

After all, it takes a lot of effort to oppose Newton’s First Law: an object in motion tends to stay in motion. 

And when you’re in that “just show up” state of mind, you certainly aren’t going to expend enough effort to oppose Sir Isaac Newton!  So, even if it’s just 5 minutes on the treadmill’s slowest speed, making the 80-year old lady with the Flashdance-era headband next to you look like Speedy McGreedy, you still showed up.  Your Inner Slug did not win!

        [Who could forget Speedy?] 

My husband schooled me on “just showing up” years ago, when we were playing racquetball each morning before work.  There were a few days where all I did was “just show up,” walking past everyone who was weight training, spinning, running, etc., and went straight to the showers.  I didn’t expend many calories on those days, but I didn’t beat myself up afterward, either.

What deals do you make with yourself to prevent getting derailed?

Tags: Day 3, Gym avoidance, Just Show Up, Speedy McGreedy

Have you made over your metabolism yet?

Me neither.

You may have seen the book, “Make Over Your Metabolism” by Robert Reames.  According to the book cover, Reames was the official trainer for  Dr. Phil’s Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge.

Athough his book came out back in 2006, and Dr. Phil’s Challenge ended around that same time, Reames is still active in the fitness community (unlike Dr. Phil…).  I saw an article today in which Reames recommended taking a fitness test to establish a baseline and measure progress.  And he just happened to include a fitness test in the article!

“Great!” I thought, temporarily forgetting that I hate all fitness tests.

 
                                          [art credit: jtrue]

Setting a baseline sounds good, right?  That’s what I thought at first, too.  Here’s how it went:

1-Minute Wall Push-Up.  Stand in front of a wall, an arm’s length away, legs a bit wider than shoulder width with a slight bend in your knees.  Put your hands on the wall, arms fully extended in front of your shoulders.  Pull in your belly button, but don’t allow your back to arch.  Bend your elbows to no more than a 90-degree angle. Keep your body in a straight line.  Push back out.  That’s one pushup.  Now count the number you can do in 1 minute.

Pull in my belly button?  Can’t remember the last time I did that…..

Thirty seconds into it, I was sure there was a problem with the space-time continuum…. “Shouldn’t this be over by now?” But I made it through.  And according to Reames’ chart, I was “OK, but room to improve.” 

I’ve heard that before.

Reames recommends bench presses (my favorite) and cable crossovers (I don’t think they allow that kinky stuff at my gym).

Undaunted, I moved onto the next section:

1-Minute Chair Squat. Stand with feet slightly wider than shoulder width with a chair behind you for support. Keep your arms at your sides unless you need to grab the chair for balance.  Bend your knees as if you’re going to sit then stop just before your bottom makes contact with the chair (but no lower than 90 degrees).  Return to the standing position.  That’s one.  Count the number you can do in 1 minute.

This tests lower-body and back strength, as well as joint suppleness.  Based on my performance, I’m not as supple as I could be.  Reames rates me as “Not bad.”  That’s actually kinder than what I told myself, which was “Quit using the elevator and get your ass up some stairs!”

Then on to the fun part of the show:

1-Mile Test.  Find a school track (4 laps is a mile) or a level trail where a mile is marked out.  Walk, jog, or run the mile as quickly as you safely can.  If you need to, rest along the way.  Use a stopwatch to record your time.

One lap in, I suddenly recalled that fitness tests suck.  Visions of high school gym class played in my head  as I wheezed in oxygen like it was going out of style.

One mile and 23 minutes later, Reames’ evaluation of my running performance was “Fair to middling.”  It’s not bad enough that I was subjected to my own painful memories of high school gym assessments, but now he uses an obscure adjective to call me mediocre? 

After realizing that I have subjected Reames to severe-crabbiness-induced-by-my-own-out-of-shapeness, I move on.

Single-Leg Balance.  Begin in a clean, flat area free of anything that could hurt you if you fall.  Stand with your feet about shoulder width apart.  Lift one leg, knee bent, in front of you for as long as possible, up to 3 minutes.  Repeat with the other leg and record your times.

This sounded like the easiest of the four tests!  But I soon learned otherwise.

Less than a minute into leg #1, my abs were screaming and my ankle was talking back to me from all the wobbling I was doing.  Leg #2 was even more pitiful.  I scored another “OK, but can be better” and read that spending time on one foot while talking on the phone can help balance.  Not sure that’s a good idea for me, since most of my on-the-phone time is in the car or at the grocery store.

The bad news: My results show that I’m officially “OK,” “mediocre,” and “not bad.”

The good news: it should be easy to make measurable progress as I work to defeat my Inner Slug each day and get to the gym.

Tags: Dr. Phil, fitness test, Robert Reames

It’s that time again.

Time to return to the gym.

It doesn’t seem to matter if you’ve been away for 6 weeks, 6 months, or 6 years….the “return” is never easy. 

To actually make it happen, you may have to overcome scheduling logistics, deal with guilt about taking time for yourself, or worse - you might have to defeat your Inner Slug.  Sometimes that’s the greatest challenge of all!

My pending return to the land of pain and sweat is the result of a simple question - posed by my husband, to our 6-year-old daughter:

“How would Mom do on American Gladiators?”

I sat back, awaiting what I thought would be a very enthusiastic response.  My daughter has become quite a Gladiators fan this summer, and I expected her to say something along the lines of “Awesome!”

Sure, I get winded running up a half-flight of stairs and I may experience severe muscle soreness the day after playing Wii bowling, but she doesn’t know that.

Instead, she deflected the question diplomatically, instead asking “What do you think, Dad?”

At six years old she can already sense the equivalent of “Does this dress make my butt look fat?” and sidestep it tactfully.

So it’s back to the gym for me.

I’ve got some serious work to do if I’m going to take on Crush and Hellga.

Tags: American Gladiators, Inner Slug